Apologies for the delay, I'm a medically certified procrastinator. Originally wanted to post this on BK's birthday, but looks like I've missed it. Ah well. Enjoy!
Manas stood on the edge of a cliff, looking over the wide stretch of rolling green meadow that will soon be the battlefield where their fate will be determined. The Fire Nation members were camped behind the hill on the other end of the meadow, as reported by their spy, Linus. Linus reported an estimated 1000 soldiers fielded by the Fire Nation, giving them an overwhelming advantage in numbers compared to their measly 300 members.
LordStrum and Yoso stood behind him, awaiting their Emperor’s orders. The scene before them brought back nightmares of the Fire Nation war. It was fought on the exact same battlefield. They been so confident, so sure that they would once again come out victorious. And yet they had been crushed mercilessly, defeated before they could even comprehend what was happening. It was a harsh lesson, one they will not forget easily. It will not happen again.
“My liege, we are ready for your orders.” LordStrum says in between breaths as he performed what seemed like oral sex to Taeyeon. He claimed that this was how he inflated the doll, but Yoso knew that this was a coping mechanism, like how people who hyperventilate are given a brown paper bag to breathe into to calm them down. Of course, a brown paper bag is less conspicuous than a life-sized 1.57m blow up doll with special orifices for the pleasures of the user, but like the saying goes, “Who the fuck cares.”
Manas turned around, hands clasped behind his back. “You know what to do. I have to prepare my ultimate move. Stall them.” He took off his pristine white cloak and handed it to Yoso. “I believe in you two.”
As soon as he finished his sentence, Emperor Manas rolled his eyes back into his head and a slowing building “Ahhhhhh...” started to emit from his mouth. To most people, it would look as though the Emperor has had a stroke. Yoso and LordStrum knew better. The Emperor was the last in the line of an ancient race of Saiyans. He alone could make use of the techniques passed down from generations of epic fighters, and become the ultimate soldier, Super Manas. Already, the characteristic golden flames have appeared around the Emperor, giving him a holy glow.
Yoso and LordStrum walked towards their troops camped below the cliff. “Alright boys, it’s time to fight. Alpha battalion, you’re with Jose and Tiber.” Jose and Tiber stood forth as soldiers began to move towards them. “Beta battalion, you’re with Zoot and Shifty” Zoot, munching on a burrito, waved at the crowd as Shifty greeted each new member with an “ayy lmao”. “Charlie battalion, you’re with me and Nate. And Yoso’s bitches, you’re with Yoso.” A bunch of oddly naked soldiers moved towards Yoso. They wore nothing but a pair of dog ears on their heads and an anal plug with a dog tail sticking out. It was unclear why they dressed that way, but it Yoso demanded it and thus it happened.
“AHHHHHH!” With a final shout, the transformation was complete. On the cliff, Emperor Manas glowed like the beacon of light he was, visible even in the daylight.
“Such majestic. Many shiny. Much power. Wow.” A solitary tear rolled down Yoso’s eyes as he looked towards his Emperor.
Emperor manas put his hands up in the air. “SOLDIERS. I NEED YOUR ENERGY.” Arms were fervently raised as cries of “Manas take my energy” were heard throughout the camp.
(Readers at home this is where you put your hands up and say “Manas take my energy”. Feel free to post pictures of yourself doing that in the comments below.)
“KAAAAA... “ This was the start of Super Manas’s ultimate attack. This was why they haven’t lost before the arrival of the Fire Nation. The lazer attack, shot from Super Manas’s hands after charging up, has been known to end wars in a split second. And yet, this was also their greatest weakness. The long charge up time meant that it was essential to stall the enemy. Fire Nation, with their zerg-like style of attack, was their natural born counter.
A shrill war horn disrupted the scene, followed by a gigantic roar as the sound of a thousand footsteps were heard.
“OH FUCK!!! THEY’RE COMING. DAMN IT, LINUS SAID THEY WOULD ONLY COME AFTER THEY’VE FINISHED THE PORNOS THAT HE DISTRIBUTED IN THEIR CAMPS! FUCK , THEY FINISH FASTER THAN A VIRGIN BOY ON HIS FIRST HANDJOB!” LordStrum looked towards the meadow in disbelief.
“FUCK!!!! LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE NO CHOICE. EVERYONE, PREPARE FOR BATTLE! CHARGEEE!!!” LordStrum shouted as he brandished his blow up doll as a mace.
The two forces collided in the middle of the battlefield like the ass cheeks of a busty woman when she walks. People jumped on each other, swords and maces ready, and tore each other apart. LordStrum was immediately engaged with an enemy footsoldier, bonking him on the head with Taeyeon. To his right, new recruits Curu and Lelouch were tag teaming against a ugly-ass ogre twice their size, performing the wrestling move doomsday device to great effect.
“MEHHHH…” Super Manas’s voice rang out loud and clear. Yoso nodded to himself as he commanded his bitches. They were making good time. They just had to last a couple more minutes, and the victory will be theirs!
Around the battlefield, everyone was fighting their own fights, losing themselves to their bloodlust. Jose hammered the heads of his enemies into their chests, occasionally crushing their skulls for the fun of it. Tiber ran around the battlefield, using his broomstick to administer the “Thousand years of pain.” Shifty called upon his ayylien brothers, summoning massive UDOs (unidentified dank objects) to beam enemies up where they will be tortured, forced to listen to repeats of Nicki Minaj songs. Zoot stood by the side of the battlefield, selling insurance to both sides. Nate looked on impassively next to LordStrum, seemingly unfeeling towards the violence around him.
“HAAAA….” LordStrum allowed himself a small smile while bashing an enemy into the ground. They were halfway there, and the battle was still relatively even. Though they had the numbers disadvantage, the soldiers they have gathered were talented and skillful. Of course, there were a few exceptions, like the two oddballs Mumzilla and TehChad who were obsessed with asking people whether they touched the dick getting their asses kicked by what seems to be a midget, but all in all, they had the upper hand, especially since they have yet to unleash their ultimate weapon.
Suddenly, out the corner of his eye, LordStrum spotted a small group of 10 enemy soldiers sneaking around the battlefield, moving their way up the cliff towards Super Manas. “Oh fuck…”LordStrum murmured to himself as he realised the gravity of the situation. Super Manas is at his most vulnerable while charging his attack, when all his attention is focused upon gathering energy for the lazer. A single strike by the enemy and they will lose their secret weapon, and the war will be all but lost.
“NATE, YOU’RE IN CHARGE NOW. KEEP STALLING THE ENEMY.” Nate nodded once. His muscles rippled as he noticeably began to bulk up. Nate’s blank stares gradually grew more intense, his stare becoming more menacing and blood vessels becoming more prominent in his eyeballs. As he continue to increase in size, his shirt ripped to shreds. With a large roar, Nate charged into the midst of the battlefield, swinging his arms like windmills and knocking people over with the sheer power of the wind generated from it. LordStrum ran towards the group of enemy soldiers without even looking back. The battlefield here was secure with Nate holding it down.
LordStrum ran past Quasar teabagging his foe and Psweet catapulting dead enemies into the air with explosives strapped onto their backs to make gorey fireworks. Yoso, on the other end of the battlefield, had also noticed the group of soldiers and is running in the same direction towards the enemy.
“So what’s the plan?” panted LordStrum as Yoso joined him.
“Kill enemy. Save Emperor. Win battle.” Yoso wasted no words when his emperor was in danger.
“MEHHHH…” Super Manas continued to charge his lazer, unaware of the danger which approaches him. This was the last phase of the charge up before all hell was released.
“Shit dude, we aren’t going to reach them in time! They’re too fast!” gasped LordStrum, chest heaving. This was the most he had ever physically exerted himself, other than that one time where he organised a 13 hour orgy with members of the public dressed up as Girl Generation members.
Without a word, Yoso took Taeyeon (“Hey, watch it!) and whispered a series of short barks into her ear. Almost immediately the blow up doll began to transform. Her back elongated as a thick leather seat formed on it. Her arms merged along with her legs to form wheels. Her face flattened out and became transparent, with a light in the middle of it. In an instant, Taeyeon transformed into a first rate Harley Motorcycle.
“Holy shit, when did you add that to Baeyeon?” Ignoring LordStrum’s question, Yoso hopped on, and with a slight nod of the head sideways ordered LordStrum on board. Revving the engines, Yoso made a beeline towards the enemies.
The first enemy was taken down with a motorbike to the back, grabbing the attention of the others. The motorbike swiftly transformed back into Taeyeon and leapt into the hands of LordStrum. The enemy, though surprised at first, noticed their numbers advantage and took advantage of it, forming a circle around Yoso and LordStrum.
“Surrounded once again, eh, just like old times. Guess there no way out but to FIGHTTT!!!” With a mighty battlecry, LordStrum charged towards the enemy, taking them unaware. Yoso let out a howl as he too jumped upon the enemies.
The enemies, initially taken aback, lost 2 of their remaining 9 members almost immediately, falling under the bites of Yoso and the blow up doll of LordStrum. However, they quickly recovered, and unlike those idiots from the mangas, actually charged both LordStrum and Yoso at once instead of trying to 1v1 them. Yoso and LordStrum, though having the upper hand skill-wise, could not stand up against the numerous attacks from the enemy. Even legendaries fall to zubats if there are enough zubats to fight them. Yoso and LordStrum took hit after hit, 1hp at a time. Their strength slowly began to leave their bodies, their senses dulled by the lack of energy. Slowly but surely, they were approaching fatigue.
And then it happened. LordStrum saw it coming before he could react to it. As he raised Taeyeon to block yet another slash from the enemy, he noticed a tiny tear in the blow up doll’s otherwise impenetrable latex and vinyl skin. A horrified “No!!” escaped his lips as he watched the enemy’s sword rip right through the tear, slicing Baeyeon into two.
LordStrum fell to his knees, completely in shock. The world had ended, so why had the battle not ceased, the armies fallen silent in horror, and every combatant laid down their arms? LordStrum’s mind was in free fall, spinning out of control, unable to grasp the impossibility, because Baeyeon could not be dead, the evidence of all his senses must be lying—
And then the enemy was upon him again. The one who dealt the fatal blow to Taeyeon raised his sword, smiling, and prepared to inflict the same to fate her master. Yoso saw what was happening and let out a small yelp. He was too far, he couldn’t reach LordStrum in time—
The sword swung downwards, straight for LordStrum’s head. The smile on the enemy’s face quickly faded as he realised he couldn’t swing his sword all the way through. LordStrum had risen his hand just in time to catch the blade of the sword, blood oozing out of his palm and down his arm. Struggle as he might, the enemy just could not free his sword from LordStrum’s grasp. LordStrum was simply too strong.
LordStrum slowly turned his head upwards to the enemy, fresh red blood still running down his face.
“I. Will. Make. You. Pay.”
With that, LordStrum started to stand, hurt from multiple attacks from different enemies, yet somehow still finding the strength needed to completely overpower a grown adult. As he rose, he bent the sword backward until it was parallel to the hilt. The enemy stood frozen, paralysed by fear.
In one swift movement, LordStrum grabbed the enemy by the cusp of his neck with one hand and raised him up into the air. The enemy, realising what was going to happen, began to struggle, coughing furiously. His comrades, who originally stood still in complete horror, began to rush up to help, swinging their swords in complete futility. LordStrum caught each swing with his other forearm, not even bothering to look at the others. They were flies to him. Revenge for Baeyeon was all he had on his mind.
LordStrum gradually began to increase the pressure of his grasp, squeezing his enemy’s skull. The eyes gave way first, slowly beginning to pop out of the head. Next came the cranium, which started to crack. The enemy’s breaths grew shorter and more rapid as his face turned to purple. With a loud “splat”, the enemy’s skull gave way as brain, blood and gore splattered all over LordStrum. LordStrum stood unblinkingly throughout the entire process. Slowly, he turned towards the rest of the enemies, headless corpse still in hand.
Yoso stood back, not wanting to be caught in the carnage. He knew what happened when someone messes with LordStrum’s things. He had accidentally smudged LordStrum’s signed copy of Girl’s Generation poster once, and for weeks he had to hide in his mom’s closet while he waited for the replacement order to arrive from the United States Postal Service. He always regretted not using Fedex.
“HAHH!!!!!” And with a final roar, Super Manas unleashed the lazer, wiping out the rest of the enemies who were still standing. A cheer rose throughout the army as they realised what they have just done. Victory was theirs. Their place in Orbis was secure. The riches of the Fire Nation was theirs.
Emperor Manas, back to his original form, walked down the cliff to where Yoso and LordStrum were. LordStrum was kneeling next to his torn Taeyeon doll, gently weeping. Yoso tried again and again to comfort him, but there was no use. The damage was done.
Super Manas placed a hand on LordStrum’s shoulder. “My sweet summer child, you have suffered greatly in this war. But fear not. For even in the darkest of nights, there will always be people willing to guide you to safety. We shall be those people. From now on, we will be known, as the Black Knights of Camelot!” proclaimed Emperor Manas as he raised his hand into the air.
Yoso whispered a few short sentences into Emperor Mana’s ear.
“What? What do you mean the word Camelot is protected by copyright laws? Fine, fine, just Black Knights then.”